1. Pay to Get Rid of Them Remove-facebook-ads
Yep, this right here guys is the future. Facebook has a patent that would allow you opt out of all their advertising, but it’s going cost you. Though the cost of such a service, or if it will ever be implemented, isn’t obvious, we believe it’s very striking that Facebook would patent unpleasant, insulting, and downright invasive advertising methods and the opportunity to opt out of them for a hefty buck, in the same exact year.
Though to be honest, it’s quite the wicked scheme: cripple a service with advertising, then give customers a means to erase them, for a charge of course. It’s like the mafia sending a person to break your legs, then charging you for protection from any future leg-breakings. We’d say it was brilliant, but we’re honestly annoyed that we didn’t think of it first.
2. YouTube Ads Could Force You to Interact with Them
virgin-media-blinkwashing
Earlier this year, Virgin Media conducted a pilot service called Blinkwashing. This enabled you, a computer user, to download a piece of software that would let Virgin observe you via your camera. Then, using the same camera, it would monitor the movement of your eyes and body.
Though this was nothing more than a prank to show off the technology, just consider for a second. This is a piece of software that can seemlessly connect with your computer, monitor what your body and eyes do, and reward you for obeying with on-screen orders (and presumably penalise you for not doing so.)
In the near future, you might be deprived of the single best experience ever: opening four YouTube windows at once, and seeing Adele perform with three Freddy Mercurys.
But hey, if you don’t want commercials, you could always …
3. Google Glasses Could Charge Advertisers Based on Where You Look
google-glass-ads
Google Glass is undoubtedly going to be the future. In other words, it’s dangerous and no one truly understands it. We say this because Google has filed — you guessed it — a bunch of patents to convert you into a walking jackpot.
One such patent, provisionally termed the “pay-per-gaze” function, would simply monitor the advertising you really paid attention to, and enable Google to bill firms depending on the findings. Again, we want to emphasise out this is a gadget people are going to be paying to plaster on their own faces.
But the deeper, more alarming information to be learned from this is that the glasses will effectively monitor your gaze and sell the information on to corporations. Did you honestly imagine you’d wake up this morning and realise that you’re living in a world where selling the motions of people’s eyes would be something a firm would be spending money into?
But hey, at least you can watch YouTube, right? Well, here’s the issue …
4. Patented a System to Put Ads Directly into Your Operating System
my-computer_apple_ads
Like with e-mail services, it’s probable you only have one of a few operating systems on your computer. This, of course, leaves you tremendously exposed to whatever the heck large firms want to force down your throat.
In this Apple patent, adverts might be incorporated straight into your computer’s operating system, and did we mention these commercials could be unskippable? Because they definitely will if Apple wants them to be, because screw you for buying $2000 for a Mac. Pay $2500 next time, cheapskate.
However, there’s absolutely nothing to stop you from just typing “screw you,” every time your iPad asks you which beverage is the greatest. Be wary however, since the patent also features phrasing that would enable it to send a user “increasingly aggressive” advertising if they refuse to cooperate ON THE DEVICE THEY PAID FOR. In other words, Apple might theoretically dictate how you behave and penalise you for not doing as they say. Wait, when did Apple adopt us again?
5. Ads That Straight-Up Interrupt the Game You’re Playing in-game-ad
If you’re a gamer, you’re already living in a world where corporations are shafting you for every additional dime, whether it’s via day-one DLC, terrible hurried goods that require updating quickly, or firms charging you for something that’s already on the disk.
Apparently Sony has apparently decided that consumers were weary of enjoying their $60 game uninterrupted. That’s the only justification we could think of for why they’d patent a system which would enable them to interrupt the game you’re playing, and display you an advert. We don’t mean on the main menu or whatever, we mean they’ve really got the patent for a system that could, if they wanted to, yank you out of a game to show you an ad for something you’ll likely never purchase just because it screwed up your high score.
In a move that reveals Sony truly doesn’t understand games at all, the patent’s illustration is that of a racing game. You know, those games that need split-second timing? We best hope they never adopt this, if only because we’ll raise hell if they damaged our Gran Turismo lap times by halting the game half-way around a hairpin.
With all this discussion about horrible ideas, we can’t leave out Apple, who just …